exceedingly grateful

I just came from a mammogram, the last test needed to determine whether I can move forward as a donor. Well, almost. We're waiting for results from that, from a pap smear and there's still tomorrow's pee in a cup repeat for a third time, after having taken a round of antibiotics to knock out a possible UTI.

Then, we wait. We wait to see if the transplant and donor teams give us a thumb's up to go ahead.

This is all completely out of my control. And I'm not very good at that (although this process is teaching me to be).

But, as I walked home, slipping on icy sidewalks, as the sun went down over chilly NYC streets, I was grateful.

Truly grateful.

I am grateful to be healthy. I am grateful for every test result that comes back uneventfully.

I am grateful for my children who keep interrupting me even thought I've said over and over that I need 15 minutes of silence so I can write. Yes, I am grateful for these amazing beings who make me crazy and thrill me every day.

I am grateful to be married to someone who offered to be tested if I wasn't a match. Who's supporting me through all this. Who occasionally reads my blog and is touched by what I write. Who is smart and enthusiastic and curious. We've known each other for 27 years, which is INSANE, and there's still so much to do and say.

I am grateful for the many people in my life who are in my life. Who listen, understand, help, offer. Who love me. Or even just like me.

I am grateful at how often I laugh every day. I am beyond grateful for The Office on Netflix.

I am grateful for my parents, even though one doesn't talk to me anymore. I'm grateful that they're both here and relatively ok. And there's a step out there who loves me whole-heartedly and makes my life that much better because he's in it.

I am grateful for where I live. Not just that I live in the west village in NYC. But that I have a roof over my head, clean water to drink, steamy showers in the morning. Not to mention stunning sunsets out my bedroom window.

I am grateful for yoga. For the path I've now been on for more than 6 years that's made such a profound difference in my life without my meaning it to. I'm grateful for the studio I practice at, the amazing teachers I've met, the colors, the music, the movement. The flow.

I am grateful that I have health insurance. A lovely dentist. A gynecologist I adore.

I am grateful my creativity is creeping back. Slowly, so slowly, but I'm feeling glimmers after what I'd worried was an endless drought.

I am grateful for my puppy. To sit with her on my lap, scratching her belly as she rests her head on my neck is bliss. To be met with true love every time she sees me is precious beyond words.

I am grateful that I can write. That I've found my voice. That I've explored and delved into and tried on my beliefs. That I make a stand. That people listen.

I am grateful for my life.

And I am grateful that I can hopefully make someone else's better.

I am grateful that I've come so far on this kidney journey. And I am hoping to be grateful that my kidney will find a happy and healthy home with my brother.