Thursday, December 16, 2010

dreaming the future

I dreamed I was a match.

I dreamed the surgery was scheduled for 3/21. Actually, they booked it for another day and I reminded them all transplants happen on Mondays. So we checked the schedule and moved it back a few days.

Here's the freaky part. I woke up, checked my calendar, and 3/21 really is a Monday.

Nothing like that ever's happened to me before. My dreams are almost always anxiety-based and take place either in my home town of Massapequa or on a cruise ship. Whatever the locale, I'm always trying to get somewhere and can't. There are no dates, no times, no numbers, no logical conversations. No practicality. No real life references.


I'm still having a moment.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

listen up universe

Here's the deal. I want to be a match. A good match. A solid match. Not a straddling the fence maybe-yes-maybe-no match.

I want to be able to help.

I want to be able to hope.

I want to be able to do something constructive, positive, tangible.

I feel like, and maybe I'm reading too much into this, that perhaps the space in my life right now is for this. Was anticipating this on some level. Is allowing me time to do this.

So I'm hope hope hoping that next week's results mean I'm not done yet.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

good luck charms

Today I got to the BUST craftacular—a super cool, annual hand-made crafts expo—at 9:15, waiting, in often pouring rain, for an hour before getting in. But, I was with 3 of my favorite friends who happen to be the mothers of 3 of Iz's best friends so the grey day didn't put any sort of damper on anything.

Once I got in, I wandered, often by myself, through aisles and aisles bursting with creativity and expression.

It was stunning. And daunting. I was blown away, over and over, by the originality on display.

And yet, I bought nothing. No, not quite nothing. I bought amazingly perfect holiday gifts for people in my family who are impossible to find things for (should they be reading, I won't mention here what I found).

But nothing for me.

The older I get, the more comfortable I am in my skin, my life, the less I want.

I never thought that was even a possibility, but here I am.

Having for the sake of having doesn't work for me anymore.

Having said that, acquiring for a significant reason is still totally justifiable.

I realized what I want, what I need, is a good luck kidney charm. Something to wear all the time, to remind me to be present, to be strong, to stay grounded in this experience.

I was then on a mission.

There wasn't a kidney inspired piece of craft to be found. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be quite so literal.

I am now on a quest.

Having something like this to focus on helps me not get stuck in the dark places I could go with this. Like, for right now, what if I'm not a match. I'm gearing up to do this and in the next 2 weeks I could easily find out my journey is over.

I don't want to even consider that.

So searching for my charm was, is, what's going to help get me through the now.

I'm off to etsy . . .