Last night I lost it. Lost it in a deep, dark, crying so hard I couldn't imagine stopping sort of way. I was feeling so down about myself - negative, hopeless, lost.
I used to be like that most of the time and now that I'm not, just grappling with the edges of my dark side totally unnerves me.
Deep down, below the anorexic stuff bubbling up, the frustration at my lack of initiative at the moment, the dread of skiing next month, the exhaustion of bickering children needing my attention, down so low I can barely sense it, is fear.
Pure fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what ifs. Fear of jumping into something I've never done before knowing there's no turning back.
Last night my brother came over and we talked a bit about kidney stuff, as in what's my schedule like for surgery. Does February look good, is there anything on my agenda I need to take into consideration. It was like a conversation about meeting for dinner.
I'm open, I said.
So am I, answered my brother.
And then we moved on.
It helps me to be casual and light about it all. Because whenever it becomes more than that, I panic. I'm not a risk taker. Sky diving is not in my future. I trend conservative when it comes to anything physical. I'm terrified of illness, of my body revolting, of not being in control, or at least maintaining the illusion of control. I think, if I were to think about it, my father being an oncologist and having spent years hearing about illness and death has something to do with it. Both my brother and my sister bein so ill when they were so young. And then living, frozen, for years in a body I misguidedly thought I could master.
I go for my first physical this week. Should there be something, anything wrong with me, I'll know. And will have to deal. Should all be ok, more tests.
This feels remarkably like the creeping slowly uphill part of a rollercoaster. The anticipation of what I know will happen is terrifying. But I can't get off. I'm on the ride until it's over and I don't know if I'll be ok with it all or will insanely panic.
Not knowing is just about my hardest lesson to learn in this life. That, and letting go of
thinking I can control what I can't. And here I am, once again, staring down the precipice of both.