No surgery today. I'm both disappointed and relieved. No matter how much I convince myself I'm ready for this, I never truly will be. And that's ok. If I can face this without a breakdown, I'll be proud of myself. Hey, even if I do lose it along the way (which will most likely happen), that'll be ok too. In spite of my fears, my anxiety, my innate need to doubt and second guess I'm in this until my kidney and I part ways.
And so, instead of being knocked out on an operating table right now, I've been thinking about how grateful I am to be in this place.
Overwhelmingly, exceedingly grateful.
Grateful for my body for being healthy enough to actually give up am organ. Grateful for my soul which continues to persevere in spite of myself. Grateful for my brother who blows me away by how he just keeps going in spite of all the extra challenges he has.
I'm grateful for my husband who never gets annoyed (well, almost never) when I wake up in the middle of the night asking if everything's ok. For my kids, who are strong and resilient, thoughtful and supportive - much of the time. Grateful that Jack wrote me a song called "3 Magic Kisses" and that Iz wrote a story about me that just was awarded best in Manhattan in a picture book making competition.
My mom and stepfather love me without reserve and are always there for me no matter what's going on. I have remarkable family, friends and a community of people who are caring and concerned. My puppies explode with love every time they see me.
I am grateful.
Today I'm also grateful for my red polka dot umbrella. For hot mochas on cold mornings. For being alone on Mondays. For my ease in being able to write on my iPhone.
For all the love that is in my life. And how much I appreciate it all.
So, here's my challenge. Spend a few minutes or a few seconds thinking about what you're grateful for. I'm pretty sure you'll end up smiling. I did.