Monday, March 14, 2011

now what

I was holding onto 3/21 as a transplant day for almost as long as I dreamed the date.

I needed something concrete to hold onto even if it came from a figment of my imagination. I needed a time, a day. A plan. Those of you who know me in the real world how how important plans are to me. 

And now, there's not one. 

I'm not dealing very well.

I have so much I should be doing right now but all I can do is sleep. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and disappear. My energy's gone, my drive, my focus, my enthusiasm, my creativity. Honestly, I don't even care. I could be lost here forever.

It's not depression. I know depression. That deep black tunnel was home for many years.

This is more apathy. Feeling lost. Maybe it's the death of my friend settling in. Maybe it's not wanting to deal with tutors and test prep and summer plans and camps and taxes and puppy training. 

Maybe it's because this donation has been what I've been doing for months and I'm a bit lost without it. And maybe it's because I'm petrified about what I'll find on the other side. Not the health stuff. I will recover. It's everything else. This is reminding me of coming to the end of a project, heading towards a pub date and instead of being thrilled and excited, feeling let down and lost. Wondering if I'll ever do anything again. Stewing in an emptiness of doubt and loss. 

I felt most like this with FLOW—knowing I was putting all my time and energy into something that might matter, that could make a positive difference in the world. But not knowing whether it would. 

This donation is that but even bigger. 

It could change someone's life.

Or it might not work. 

Hey, my kidney might not even fit.

And then what? Where will I be? What will I do? 

Once this is over I'll be at that starting point I always seem to come back to. That I wish to god I didn't have to. I'll have to figure out a new path, a new project, a new purpose. 

Everything up in the air is only making the angst worse. 

I don't know how I'll cope with 2 more weeks of waiting.

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