Wednesday, May 25, 2011

antici . . . pation

I've been here before. Many times. Waiting to find out if we move forward or we're still stuck in transplant quicksand.

At the moment I'm relatively ok. Could be because these test results are small change compared to others we've waited for.

Just to recap for a moment (and this list includes results for both of us) we've waited to hear about: heart damage, kidney function, psychological stability, clotting issues, cirhossis of the liver, insurance coverage, abdominal masses, uterine health, parasites, infections, contaminated tests, a consensus from doctors who disagreed. There was a (minor) cancer scare, a moment or two of never before seen high blood pressure. Tests that needed to be repeated for a variety of reasons.

So, hoping to hear an infection's completely cleared after 3 weeks of antibiotics is far less stressful than most.

Still, there are no guarantees. And I've given up thinking a positive outcome means we move forward.

One thing I've learned over the past 6 months, or, more realistically, something that's been beaten into me, is to let go of expectations. Hoping, wishing, feeling anxious/angry/frustrated does no good. Am I good at it? Not even close. But I'm getting better. This wait isn't wrapping me up in neurotic knots the way it would have 3 months ago.

Having said that, I literally just found out that we won't have this latest round of results back until Friday, but if I'm not tested tomorrow for HIV etc, those answers won't be available in time to make our surgery date. This could be the second time I go through these tests only to find more vials of my blood will just be thrown away.

Transplants are messy. Unpredictable. Sometimes chaotic. Often confusing. Crammed with more unknowns in an abbreviated time span than one can almost contemplate.

But, here I am. Still sane. Still grateful to be a match. Still nervously looking forward to what's next. And still waiting.

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