Monday, July 18, 2011

loser like me

6 weeks post surgery I'm feeling remarkably better. When I see a traffic light changing I'm back to running across the street to make it instead of waiting for the next one. My pants fit, although still slightly tighter than I'm comfortable with. My mind is racing, I'm contemplating big projects, I can feel the adrenalin, motivation, drive that was gone for most of the 7 plus months. 

And yet, I feel like shit right now. Frustrated by what I can't do. By my lack of work. The fact I didn't pull together enough things for the kids to do this summer. That I can't take on too much because I know the wall of exhaustion is still waiting to smack me on the head. 

This isn't about the kidney anymore. At least not completely. But it's getting harder to give myself a break as more time passes. 6 weeks out and I guess I feel like I should be fine. That, I suppose, is a magic wish. I wasn't fine before. I mean, I was fine. I am fine. But there were always issues to grapple with and now that I'm easing back into my life they're still there. Donating a kidney didn't change any of that. I'm still really hard on myself. I still focus on the worst parts of me. I still beat myself up over where I'm not. 

I wish I could see myself the way other people see me (except you, anonymous). I wish I could step back and see the bigger picture instead of getting caught in the muck. I wish I could treat myself with appreciation instead of disdain. 

I've got my work cut out for me. 

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