Saturday, July 2, 2011

will the real me please stand up

Last night as Jack and I were doing the after dinner dog walk, a neighbor stopped me. She was so happy to see me, she said. She'd be thinking about me and what I did. She wanted to tell me that she thought I was courageous and brave, generous and selfless. And that she'd be planning to write me a note but it meant so much more that she got to tell  me in person. 

She had tears in her eyes. By the end of her tribute so did I. She then turned to Jack and asked him if he knew how amazing I was. He muttered a half-hearted yes. There are few things that irritate him more than when I stop and chat, which happens fairly often. 

For 5 minutes or so I basked in her admiration. But that glow soon floated away like a bubble. 

I don't feel like that person. 

Right now I feel like my thighs have never been fatter. I can feel the skin sagging under my chin. I know there are muscles in my upper arms but they're engulfed in jiggles. 

Even my feet are starting to look old. 

I can't wear pants. I can't seem to wear any of my vintage anymore. I'm living in shapeless black sundresses which, for those of you who know me in the real world, goes against my entire fashion sense. 

My entire family is in Vermont right now for a bar mitzvah and I'm not. I didn't think I was up to the 7 plus hour car ride. I wasn't sure I could handle all that goes along with flying - the trek through airports, dealing with luggage, various cars. And right now I am so disappointed in myself. I can usually push through anything. I have fierce willpower and drive. I've done what many would think impossible, or at least crazy. 

And now I'm flat on my fat butt wallowing in timid.

It is stunningly beautiful out and I'm afraid to do too much. Everyone's looking to me to make plans and I can't. I'm the loser with a holiday weekend and nothing to do. 

Everyone I know is doing something different. Weekend houses. Beach. Travel. Classes. 

My days are nothing but feeling guilty about not entertaining the kids better, at needing to sleep, at getting increasing disappointed in myself for the limitations I still have. 

I can't control my body at the moment and it's making me crazy. I feel like a failure. I can't hold onto the reason I'm here and all the good that I did. I feel like that woman was talking about someone else. 

It's not even 8am and I'm dreading this day. This long weekend. The week ahead with 2 kids and no plans. 

I wish I could think of myself as the admirable, inspiring person other people see me as. 

But right now I can only see the opposite. And it's not pretty. 

5 comments:

  1. How is this set of feelings/responses not the "real you", beautiful Elissa? I don't know you outside of your writing - but *from* your writing I've come to know you as a quirky funny, brave-writing (honest), strong-living woman --

    and that's all here in this post!

    "...flat on my fat butt wallowing in timid" made me laugh, even while my heart went out to you. Openly sharing your struggle with the for-real limits post-surgery only makes it MORE obvious how courageous you are.

    Your last words in this post are: "And it's not pretty." - Maybe not "pretty", which is about surface, exterior, superficial - but oh, so BEAUTIFUL (which is a #@*!-load better, in my book!).

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  2. Hi Elissa;

    I don't know you either (i only recently found your blog) but I can relate 100%. I donated my left kidney (also to a stranger) on June 7th. I had a very similar inner meltdown about 20 minutes ago in the car on the way back from getting a long weekend coffee. I swear your words "is stunningly beautiful out and I'm afraid to do too much. Everyone's looking to me to make plans and I can't. I'm the loser with a holiday weekend and nothing to do" just came out of my mouth as I lamented how many things I'm not up to yet and all the things I'd like to do but know I shouldn't. I want to run. I want to go for a bike ride.I want to go for a hike in the mountains. And I want to not be afraid of my body-have control like you said. And I want to feels comfortable in something aside from yoga pants and the dresses you mentioned.
    I do however know that we'll look back at this and laugh or at least wonder what our problem was. We're what? -a few weeks post surgery and our jiggles and cabin fever are our biggest concerns? There are a lot of people out there feeling the same way and can't use organ donation as an excuse.
    Hang in there...at least we have the whole summer ahead of us.

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  3. Ladies, thank you both so much. Sometimes it really helps when I'm stuck in my own tiny little world to be reminded of the bigger picture.

    Karen, you made my day. And Lauren, yes we will wear pants again. One day . . . and the biggest of congratulations on what you did. You are a true hero. xoxo

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  4. Oh my goodness, I am so glad that I found your blog. I too donated my left kidney to my best friend's father on June 9th. I have been living in my pajamas except for when I go for my daily walk. I love to run and the outdoors but I know that I have to listen to my body and be patient. What gets me through is knowing that the Lord used me to breath life into my kidney so that Daddy Chuck could live again. So we are all very blessed and this too shall pass. We will all look back on this in a few weeks or even months and know that we did exactly what we were called to do. I would do it all over again in a heart beat, or should I say Kidney beat!... The pains and the fatigue we are feeling will go away but I pray that our kidneys live on with our recipients... Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us as it helps all of us going through the exact same thing....

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  5. Oh my goodness, I am so glad that I found your blog. I too donated my left kidney to my best friend's father on June 9th. I have been living in my pajamas except for when I go for my daily walk. I love to run and the outdoors but I know that I have to listen to my body and be patient. What gets me through is knowing that the Lord used me to breath life into my kidney so that Daddy Chuck could live again. So we are all very blessed and this too shall pass. We will all look back on this in a few weeks or even months and know that we did exactly what we were called to do. I would do it all over again in a heart beat, or should I say Kidney beat!... The pains and the fatigue we are feeling will go away but I pray that our kidneys live on with our recipients... Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us as it helps all of us going through the exact same thing....

    ReplyDelete