From this vantage point, waiting for blood and tissue type matching tests to come back, both possible outcomes are good and bad.
And that's not easy to sit with.
Should I be a potential candidate, we move forward. More tests. More scrutiny. More information. With surgery as the end result.
Should I not be a match, my part in this is over.
I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't hoping beyond hope to be able to be a donor. But there's so much that comes with this, it's next to impossible to grasp it all.
I want to help. But I'm scared.
I want to know all will be fine in the end. But that's not possible to know.
I want my brother to be ok. But there are no guarantees.
And I want me to be ok too. That's also up in the air.
To have come this far, to have made this decision and commitment and then have the door shut tight would be frustrating. But, to be honest, it would be a relief too.
I would know. And could then move on.
But should the answer be no, I'd have to live with not having been able to help someone who truly needs it.
And that's tragic.
Right now I'm up and down, excited and nervous, hoping for good, anticipating bad.
Only I'm not quite sure exactly what good and bad are anymore.