This potential donation isn't a decision. It is what is. If I'm a match then we move forward. Anxiously of course - that's my default mode. But I go as far as I can.
There were a couple of days over Thanksgiving when I grappled with it all, until I realized I wasn't sure what the grapple was about.
I breathed easier after that.
Reaction from others though has run the gamut. There's been support, incredulity, fear, sadness, shock, disbelief. People are proud of me. Touched by the gesture.
One person asked how could I do this knowing my kids might need a kidney one day.
Another wondered if I'd sat down and thought through probability of success charts.
My mother was fine about kidney but horrified that I wanted to commemorate the experience with a tattoo. This morning I thought a lotus by the scars could be cool.
My husband offered to be tested if I'm not a match. Amazing.
But yesterday I ran into someone who turned the whole thing upside-down for me. She asked if I was working on a new book and I explained that this was my project of the moment. Her eyes lit up. She exclaimed: how cool! And what a profoundly life changing experience this would be for me.
I LOVE that.
Her take gave me a whole new perspective. I'm finding out what I'm made of. I'm throwing myself into something unlike anything I've ever done before. I'm proud of myself for moving forward and not letting myself be frozen by what ifs.
Thank you Annie. You gave me a huge gift today.