I just woke up. At 10:40. For the second time today. The first go-round I walked the dog, got 2 kids out to school, threw in 4 loads of laundry. Answered email, waded through paperwork, hit the bagel store, then hit a wall.
I didn't sleep well last night. Could be the stress of getting off a ship on Sunday, traveling home, and then plunging back into back to school and the rest of reality without a buffer. Could be the mellowness of steam rooms and massages and staring at the ocean wearing off.
Could be the voicemail I got from the transplant coordinator yesterday about next steps. I've had a week and a half or so to live with being a match—from a purely conceptual, not examining or looking too hard at the big picture, all is great. Exciting, enervating, gratifying. But I'm thinking her message popped the tiniest hole in my transplant bubble.
Next up is a comprehensive physical with my soon-to-be nephrologist. A quick aside: Last night, when updating everyone about the day, we had quite the enlightening discussion about necromancy and necrophilia, not that either are related to my kidney, but it was a good starting point for illuminating conversation.
By the end of today I should have my next appointment set up. Way up town. A full work up. More blood tests. A revisiting of every medical issue I've ever had. There haven't been many, thankfully. But I'm not a fan of going over things that went wrong.
There's a part of this that's revving my anxiety. My deep-seated, life-long, so strongly a part of me that it defines me fear that something terrible could be wrong with me. And then what?
I'm trying so hard to take this in stride, to hold on to the positive, to keep my cup brimming.
But I'm scared too. Not even for the transplant part. For what they might find before.
There's a comfort in being oblivious. Less to worry about (although in my case I worry anyway).
There's so much I could/should do to distract myself, to stay busy, to accomplish. It's a new year and usually I hit the ground running with goals.
Right now though I just want to curl back up under my blankets.