cleared for take off

I just got back from the lab - I had to drop off two big jugs of pee from my second 24 hour test (seems they forgot to check something out the first time). I also needed to leave urine sample number 5. This was the first time someone in the lab gave explicit instructions on what to do. I'm relatively certain, at this point, should I have had that information at the beginning, 4 out of the 5 tests wouldn't have been necessary. 

Who knows. 

And, to my surprise, I had more blood drawn. Just one vial, for clearance. 

I am now done with testing (should all today's stuff come back ok). Done until a week before surgery when they do an EKG and chest x-ray and I'd assume take more blood. 

Amazingly, I've found very little  of this aggravating. Well, except for the unnecessary cancer panic after red blood cells were found in my urine. Oh, and when someone shared test results with my brother that I didn't want him to know about. But all the trips uptown to the lab, the bruises on my arms, the many times I've been poked with needles, the chronic challenge of peeing neatly in a cup (I will never excel at this ) were all ok. 


It's all part of this journey, which I'm finding is a lot like life in general - disorganized, full of contradictions, where nothing can be taken for granted. Even now, cleared for surgery, we don't know if my kidney will fit in its new home. 

As I was heading down Riverside Drive on the way home from the lab, I wondered if my brother couldn't use my kidney, if I should go through with the surgery and give it to someone else who could use it. 

And then I thought: what the fuck?

And then thought: maybe. 

I've gone through all the testing, I've jumped through hoops for months. I know I'm healthy and I've got a kidney that could make a difference. If not my brother then should I just throw in the towel and walk away?

Perhaps it's just that I'm overtired and need more sleep. 

Or maybe, my heart is growing. 

I'm not sure which way the wind is blown on this. Yet.