I've been fighting something for weeks, living on sudafed and mucinex and apple cider vinegar tea. So tired every day I can't make it until bedtime without a nap. Forgetful and spacey, losing track of projects and taxes. It's hard to be social, to make plans, to chat which is usually effortless for me.
I'm shutting down. At least as much as I can with 2 puppies to tend to, 2 kids to take care of, meetings to attend, work to do. Just walking down the street in NYC requires vigilance. I can't ever really turn off.
And so, my body did it for me. My body recognized that where I am right now is huge and scary and intense and profound and is bigger than laundry and making dinner.
I'm giving away a piece of me. Forever.
To be able to cope with this I've intellectualized, minimized, negated all those sweeping emotions that can take over. I've slammed that door, locked it and flushed the keys down the toilet.
Only if doesn't work that way. No matter how much I want it to. No matter how hard I try.
This is beyond huge.
The waiting completely and totally sucks.
I want guarantees that my brother, the kidney and I will be fine in the end.
I want a crystal ball, a fairy god mother, a magic wand.
I want a happy ending.
I want to be past this, not still in it with no idea when or if things will happen.
I want someone else to be the strong one for awhile.
I want to be able to fall apart and trust that I'll be ok when the deluge is over.
Because there's a storm in me I'm afraid is too big for me to handle. But if I keep pretending it's not there I won't get better.
And this is not a place I want to stay.