Thursday, March 31, 2011

shutting down

I've been fighting something for weeks, living on sudafed and mucinex and apple cider vinegar tea. So tired every day I can't make it until bedtime without a nap. Forgetful and spacey, losing track of projects and taxes. It's hard to be social, to make plans, to chat which is usually effortless for me.

I'm shutting down. At least as much as I can with 2 puppies to tend to, 2 kids to take care of, meetings to attend, work to do. Just walking down the street in NYC requires vigilance. I can't ever really turn off.

And so, my body did it for me. My body recognized that where I am right now is huge and scary and intense and profound and is bigger than laundry and making dinner.

I'm giving away a piece of me. Forever.

To be able to cope with this I've intellectualized, minimized, negated all those sweeping emotions that can take over. I've slammed that door, locked it and flushed the keys down the toilet.

Only if doesn't work that way. No matter how much I want it to. No matter how hard I try.

This is beyond huge.

The waiting completely and totally sucks.

I want guarantees that my brother, the kidney and I will be fine in the end.

I want a crystal ball, a fairy god mother, a magic wand.

I want a happy ending.

I want to be past this, not still in it with no idea when or if things will happen.

I want someone else to be the strong one for awhile.

I want to be able to fall apart and trust that I'll be ok when the deluge is over.

Because there's a storm in me I'm afraid is too big for me to handle. But if I keep pretending it's not there I won't get better.

And this is not a place I want to stay.


  1. It's ok to hide under the blankets sometimes.

  2. all you do is whine...enuff already

  3. it's her blog, not yours, if you don't like it, don't read it! Sheesh.

  4. Seriously, this is a blog about someone's life a stake, who reads that and says something nasty like 'all you do is whine'? maybe one of your organs will fail for the sheer reason you would post something like that.

  5. To the first anonymous—if you don't like what you're reading, feel free to move on. You don't get an award for finishing. But man do you get bad karma for trashing a kidney donor.

  6. To the first Anon (7:15 PM), you are a coward and a selfish moron. To post something like that anonymously shows absolutely no integrity, you are apparently great at shooting your mouth off when you can hide behind your computer. You are a sad POS. Furthermore, Elissa is doing one of the most selfless things a human being can do in their life - donating a vital organ. It case you don't know that means someone else gets a chance for a normal life, and Elissa is at short term risk herself from life threatening complications and long term must gamble that she won't really need that extraneous organ. What the hell have you ever done in YOUR life for another person? Obviously nothing since you have absolutely no conception of the repurcussions, nor the fear and depth of soul searching and doubt that goes hand in hand with such decisions. All I can say is, I think Elissa is a STAR, and someone like you is not even worth my pitty for the sorry excuse of a human being you have shown yourself to be. Strong letter to follow for both you and the horse you rode in on!

  7. Elissa,
    You speak with refreshing, fearless honesty and should be allowed to say and feel anything you want to…not just because it’s YOUR Blog, but also because it is YOUR Life. You are doing an amazing thing for another person and YES, it is also scary, frustrating, and every other feeling and thought one could come up with. I say let it all out…why should you hold it in? Where does that get anyone except sick? Keep up the good work and Kudos to you for being honest not only with yourself, but with others…Karma is a great thing and you will no doubt have some good Karma coming your way one day. As for the first anonymous…Karma is a bitch too!

  8. Obviously the first anonymous commenter has no empathy or idea of what you're going through. Sometimes I come to your blog and you've written almost exactly what I'm feeling. Thanks for writing!

  9. Elissa,

    My prayers for you, your brother and your entire family. You are truly giving of yourself. Your a wonderful sister and human being!

    God Bless
    Warm Hugs
    Kathleen DeCosmo

  10. sad that one who critiques unkindly takes an "Anonymous" name. @anonymous - you hide behind this shield when this blog represents real-life emotions and fears in honest heart-felt candor. organ donation is a serious commitment and can possibly have adverse physical effects.
    lay off the judgement. this is a personal reflection of experience!