I started the day, 4 days until surgery (if all works out), with a massage. By 9:30 I was so blissed it was hard to remember the way home. As the morning was crisp and cool, in direct contrast to the muggy soup of yesterday, I slowly wandered home. And then, even though I have endless things to do, I took a nap.
I woke up to a phone full of voicemails. All calm, but concerned. In wrapping up loose ends it turns out that there's a mass in my abdomen that showed up on my kidney cat scan that the gynecologist won't say for sure is not a big deal without an ultrasound.
And so, here I am. In the waiting room. Waiting for this last test when I was beyond sure all testing was done.
My hands are shaking.
I'm trying hard not to cry.
I tried on 4 outfits before I headed over - as if what I was wearing would make any difference.
There's a difference between tests that are routine and extra add ons because something doesn't look right.
Yes, I've gotten so much better about not knowing and letting go and floating in unknowns, but I'm not that good at it yet. I think, I hope, I pray all will be fine. And you know what? That's all I'll say. I won't let myself tiptoe into the dark side because if I do I'll fall in and the panic will take over.
And so, instead, I'm holding on to this is one last obstacle to over come. One more test to pass. One more glitch in this very bumpy road.
Ganesh, take me away.