waiting

Today was my first visit to the kidney transplant office.

I'm sort of numb.

It's a lot/too much information to process and when confronted with situations like that I shut down.

I'm shutting down.

I feel quiet. Small. Lost. Out of my element.

As I sat with the transplant coordinator, who was bubbly and charming, I was often at a loss for words, something that rarely happens. This is all new to me - the procedures, the tests, the vocabulary. I've never had an operation. Never recovered from anasthesia. Never confronted the possibility of being checked so thoroughly.

Her office had a huge wipe board on wall, listing patients and donors, keeping track of where each pair is in the involved pre-operation process.

I'm going to be on that wall.

I only hope I can handle this. Emotionally, psychologically. I remember this inner, low level doubt creeping in before I gave birth - was I strong enough, could I deal with everything it, would everyone be ok?

I'm not a taking chance sort of person, at least not when it comes to physical things. I will never helicopter ski or sky dive or ride a motorcycle. And this feels like jumping off a cliff in a way, without knowing what's down at the bottom.

But, this isn't just about me. Taking a leap into the unknown to help my brother makes all the difference.