Friday, January 21, 2011

being fine about being fine

I grew up with a very superstitious Jewish mother and not only learned, but internalized at the deepest of levels, not to ever jinx anything. Not to invite bad luck by proclaiming all was good. Not to bring attention to myself so as to avoid the wrath of the powers that be, whoever they were.

The word I grew up with is kenahura - a Yiddish term that I knew to mean curse, jinx, the evil eye. I knew never to talk positive so as not to draw attention to myself and the catastrophic things that most likely would ensue.

But now I have to let go of that. I can't donate my kidney unless I'm fine. No, unless I'm FINE. I have to be completely healthy, robust, stable. My systems nee to be in pristine working order. There can't be a shadow of a doubt about any test, any result, any anything. A team of people will be discussing my body at round table meetings and if anyone thinks I can't handle the surgery for any reason, I'm off the transplant train.

And so, I want to be, I NEED to be ok. More than ok. I need a clean bill of health, a gold star on all my tests.

I need to be fine and to own it in a powerful, constructive, don't even think of messing with my fine-ness way.

I'm saying it out loud. I am fine.

I want to be.

I need to be.

I am.

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