results are in

I got a call Wednesday morning from the donation nephrologist that, for the most part, all my test results were fine.

For the most part.

After taking antibiotics for 3 days I have to retake a urine test - for the third time. It looks as if I might have an asymptomatic UTI. Apparently this should be an easy thing to treat and won't throw the donation off in the long run. Not a big deal.

What unnerved me were my cholesterol numbers.

They're fine. Totally fine. Well within the range of healthy and normal. My good cholesterol is fabulous (my word, not the doctor's). But the doctor expressed surprise that my bad cholesterol was higher than he would've thought. I suppose, in a way, that's a nod to how fine everything is.

Me, being me, took that news and started to spin.

To be more specific for a moment:

under 100 is fantastic (again, my word)

100-130 is fine

130-160 is borderline high

and so on.

Mine is 116. Again, fine.

Not to me though. This crazy, competitive force took over. It wasn't that I was pissed at my body, or even disappointed. I just wanted to do better. Less than 100 became my personal holy grail.

I wracked my brains trying to figure out what could have driven the numbers up so sky high (yes, that's how I interpreted smack in the middle of fine). I have half and half in my decaf iced coffee every day after not drinking anything but skim for most of my adult life. I've been eating butter again, after many years without—cinnamon raisin buttered bagels have become a daily staple. Hot chocolate with whipped cream? These could very well be the culprits.

I don't know, thought, that I'm willing to give them up. Not in the anorexic, cut things out of my diet way I lived years of my adult life. I used to say things like: NO MORE ICE CREAM. Or potato chips. Or french fries. Or chocolate. And then I wouldn't eat them again. Ever.

I had extraordinary will power. I always thought that should I have been able to harness it in a positive way, I'd be able to do anything. And having said that, you know, I sometimes do. I can accomplish insane things at times - it's that drive, that focus, that energy I used to direct at starving and extreme exercise.

I'm choosing not to challenge it at my cholesterol. Instead, I'm meeting with my doctor to see what my levels were in the past. Maybe this is genetic. Maybe it's the way I am. I'm thinking of perhaps not eating quite so many bagels and cutting down on the butter a bit - although it is delicious.

Moderation is a good thing.

And so is an LDL of 116.