Yesterday I spent time talking to the 3 psychiatrists at the nephrologist's office about my eating disorder. I'd say we spent 8-10 minutes out of 45 on the topic. I gave them a brief timeline, an overview, insights on why I thought I developed anorexia, treatment I received, and how I recovered to this point.
Cramming more than a decade of pain, self-flagellation, disgust and frustration into mini-monologues was close to impossible.
The hardest part though, and the summary I didn't pull off so well was how I got better.
I am better. So much better. Better to the point that when the head inquisitor observed that I'm no longer thin and how did I handle that, I handled it.
I had a fat moment or two this morning but was able to let it quickly go and enjoy my decaf mocha with whipped cream.
I now know my body is my home. It's my responsibility to take care of it, respect it, cherish it, not punish it. I accept who and where I am (for the most part). It is what is.
But how did I get here? To this reasonably healthy, sane place?
If I had hours to talk I don't know that's a question I have an answer to.
Being a mother made me let go of so much. The illusion of control. The concept that my issues were all important and should take precedent over everything else. Anorexia is quite the selfish, egotistical disease.
Going to art school and finding my voice after too many years of not having one.
There's yoga. Finding space in my mind and learning I don't always have to spin out of control. Not to mention being stronger than I've ever been. Who would ever have thought that neurotic me would ever be able to float into a headstand in the middle of a room.
Getting older. I'm finding age brings wisdom and acceptance. There are downsides but with this too, I'm learning to accept what is.
But I think the biggest thing is that I'm grateful. Grateful I'm here. Grateful for my family, for where we live, for the life we've created. For the opportunities I've had and the ones I made happen. For the many amazing people in my life. For my puppy.
Grateful that I have a sense of humor that keeps me sane in the insanity.
Grateful that I can give.
Giving my kidney is a way to pay forward all I've been blessed with in my life. A thank you to the universe. A tip of the hat to the forces that be.