Before heading to yoga this afternoon I was in the middle of a pissed off post. It was accusatory, angry, hurt, twisted. I was having one furious moment.
I'm finding these days that my emotions are intense and flow through me like fast moving storm systems. I'm full of love, contentment calms me, anxiety revs up, frustration blackens my outlook. All in very short periods of time.
So, I was stuck in angst. It was for a very valid reason. But, it was because of someone else, a situation I have no control over.
I can't change that. I can't change them.
What I can change is how I deal.
(bear with me folks, I'm just working this stuff out as I write)
I used to define myself by things that happened to me: my parent's divorce, my eating disorder, my battles with anxiety.
And then, as I started owning my stuff more I became what I did: the books and projects I took on were all that I was. Motherhood became part of that too.
Now though, I'm learning how to be me. To live comfortably in my skin. To live without self-imposed adjectives. And to let go of other's negative actions and behaviors and words that break me down.
At least that's my goal.
I'm not there yet. Awareness though, is the first step.
I'm hurting because someone I feel should be sharing this profound donation experience with me, cut me out of their life recently. And that sucks beyond words.
Instead of wallowing in it though, sitting in blame, stewing in finger pointing, I'm working on letting it go.
It is what it is.
I'm surrounded by such love from so many other places. Just as importantly, I'm finally appreciating myself.
What a waste of time and energy to focus on the hate.