Tuesday, March 1, 2011

feeling too much

One post a day right now can't possibly capture this experience. My moods are shifting so hard and fast I can't keep up - it almost feels like being I just inhaled 5 double espressos. 
I'm racing. Frenetic. Can't focus on anything. I went out for bagels this morning and ordered the wrong thing for Jon even though he always always always has a toasted everything with cream cheese. 

I can't breathe. 

I can't calm down. 

Last night I survived an anxiety attack but just barely. 

Next week I meet the transplant surgeon. The week after is pre-op testing: more cross matching blood work, EKG, chest X-ray. 

I don't have a bathrobe to bring to the hospital. 

I have a not-even-close to being trained puppy in my apartment. 

I can't find my laundry card and piles are piling up. 

I made a master to-do list this morning of all I need to take care of in the next 20 days. 

I have to finish my will, find a tutor for Jack, host a PTA meeting, make arrangements for the kids while I'm away. There's the dermatologist, dentist and waxing for me, haircut for Jack, shots for the new puppy, grooming for the bigger one, the orthodontist for Iz. 

I have to find elephant charms to make good luck bracelets for people to wear while we're in surgery. 

I'm having the most monstrous menstrual cramps right now that are just about doubling me over. 

My stomach's in knots. My hands are on the verge of shaking. 

I think I'll have tears burning at the back of my eyes from now on. 

And sleep is almost impossible.

I'm wishing I was that woman in the Calgon commercial and it was just as easy as taking a bubble bath.

And I'm hoping that yoga and dancing on the heads of my demons (in this case anxiety) will help.


  1. Elephant charms: http://bit.ly/e5TyE3
    One thing marked off the list.

    I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers in the coming weeks. Breathe.

  2. How could you be a human and not be anxious? The hero(ine)
    is not heroic because he or she lacks fear, but because she does what she feels is right in the face of it.

    I hope the transplant comes and goes without a hitch and that you and John live long and happy lives!

    Let me know if there's any help I can offer.--Dan