Sunday, March 6, 2011

going negative

I got my transplant buttons in the mail yesterday. Even though the image I sent looked great and the copy I printed at home was fine, the actual product?


And that plunged me into a really dark place that I can't get out of. 

If I can't do buttons right how can I do this transplant?

There was a moment or two when I actually considered giving up and saying I couldn't go through with it. 

I know, though, it's not about the buttons. Nor is it about my fear that no one will come visit me. I imagine my brother with a constant stream of friends stopping by while I'm alone in a corner, listening to feeling-sorry-for-myself songs on iPod. 

It's not about how disinterested much of my family is in what's going on (although, to be honest, it hurts). Yesterday, at a gems and minerals show - just about the geekiest place I've ever been - I asked one of the dealers about healing stones, sharing with him that I was about to give a kidney away and I was garnering as much strength from as many places as I could. 

His eyes closed and he went into sort of a trance, rocking back and forth. It was unnerving - Iz walked away. When he finally came back he showed me the goosebumps on his arms and blessed me, tears shining in his eyes. the woman next to him hugged me, thanking me for what I'm doing. 

All I could do was smile and be grateful for those kind thoughts. 

Meanwhile, back on the home front, one of my parents isn't talking to me. 

Here's another thing I'm afraid of: what will I do when this is over. This transplant has taken over my life for the last few months and soon this chapter will close. Then what?

I'll be starting from scratch, for yet another fucking time, trying to figure out which way my path is heading. 

What I really want is someone to sweep me away and take me to a beautiful beach somewhere so I can find peace and ease and space. Instead, I'll be hosting Passover, making costumes for a middle school play, dealing with tutors and test prep and PTA elections and taxes and summer plans and high school tours and puppy training. 

I feel like if my buttons had been perfect I could've put a different spin on all of the above. I would have seen that I can handle things, make them happen, control what's going on in my life. 

But today, I can't. 

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