healing

Life has been kidney-centric lately. Even if things aren't related to the upcoming transplant, they are. 

And so is this - at least where the story starts is. 

I was weighed at the surgeon this week. The last time I remember being weighed was while I was pregnant with Jack. I haven't owned a scale in years. They are dangerous to anyone who was or is anorexic. Back in the day I'd weigh myself as soon as I woke up, before and after every meal, before and after every trip to the bathroom. With clothes. Without clothes. Just my clothes. It was a painful obsession and that number would drive me to the edge of insanity. 

The doctor had me hop up on the scale. The slider kept sliding. To the right. It finally balanced out at 142, more than I thought I weighed. More than I've ever weighed except when there was a baby growing inside. 

I took a deep breathe. And discovered I was ok. 

Well, sort of ok. As soon as the doctor left the room I pulled my boots off and threw them on the scale. 4+ pounds. I figured my jeans and underwear brought that figure up to 5, so I sat with 137 for awhile. 

137. 

One hundred and thirty seven pounds. 

I used to viciously berate myself for being more than 125. More than 120. At my skinny skinniest I was 103. 

Yes, I was psycho. My hair was coming out. My feet were always numb. I had almost no immune system to call on. I lived on diet pepsi and tasti delite and salad. 

In the past, seeing 137 would have prompted hyperventilation, an anxiety attack, a 2 hour trip to the gym, days of extra starvation, hours of beating myself up in my food journal. 

Now? I am so fucking proud of my body. Proud that at soon to be 47 I've withstood this scrupulous donation testing and came out on top. And in the real world my pants fit. It doesn't take me 2 months to heal from a cold. I have energy. I wear bright colors. I can do a headstand in the middle of an empty room. And if my belly's a bit gushy and my knees are starting to sag and the line in-between my eyebrows resembles the Grand Canyon, I'm ok.

I am grateful to my body for all it does. And I'm grateful to my soul for all the growing and healing its done.