Monday, April 4, 2011

teetering on the edge

The good news: my brother's blood tests came back ok. Good. Better, in fact, than they were expecting.

The bad news: he still needs a liver biopsy. Just to be sure, ultra sure, beyond sure, as sure as they possibly can that his liver is ok. Because, if there's any cirrhosis to be found, the transplant would be a disaster.

We talked for a minute or so. I said I'd call our mom to fill her in. And then I sat on the floor of the kitchen and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed so loud I was sure the neighbors could here me.

I barely slept last night, waiting to hear. I laid in bed for hours, wired as if I'd just had a pot of steaming coffee, fidgeting, twisting, my mind spinning out of control and me not able to reign it in.

I just needed a fucking answer. A yes or a no. A date or a cancellation. Something.


But, here I am, still waiting.

We had thought he was ok'ed for surgery. We thought we had a date. But, instead, in the past few weeks we had to wait for a hematologist visit, the results of those tests, the gastroenterologist visit, the sonogram appointment, the results from that, and then the results from the second set of blood tests.

We had thought with each of those, he'd be cleared. Every time, though, something new got added to the list. And now, after all this, this liver biopsy.

I don't know how he's dealing with this. I don't know how he gets up and faces every day. I can't imagine how he carries on and keeps going and lives his life with these non-ending question marks that keep appearing over his head. Because I now can't handle it. I'm not functioning. I can't stop crying. I don't know how much more I can take.

Waiting for those blood test results was supposed to be the last hurdle and I scraped the very dregs of my patience to get me through.

But, here I am, still waiting.

And not sure how I'll make it through this next one.


  1. Sending you a hug. Can you get out for a walk? Clear your mind? I feel so very bad. Lack of control is so hard!!! xoxoxo Janie

  2. Thank you sweetheart. A decaf mocha really helped.

  3. I want to be past this, not still in it with no idea when or if things will happen.

    I want someone else to be the strong one for awhile.

    I want to be able to fall apart and trust that I'll be ok when the deluge is over.

    Hi Elissa. You will be okay. You are okay! Thank you for including me in your journey. I read your above lines and thought - I feel this way about life in general. I feel for you, in the unknowing place. I try to remember that nothing ever stays the same, and to trust myself, the spirit living in me, my best highest self, to breath my next breath with gratitude, to trust my inner guidance for whatever step is next, and take it; to feel whatever I'm feeling right now, have that be okay with me, and move into the next moment to feel whatever that moment presents. You are courage personified and a gift to your brother and all around you. Thank you for sharing your journey, an inspiration. love Margaret